Where I Found You
by RedBrushStroke
Summary: He reminded me of an abused child, scared and cold. Helpless and defenseless...   When Spain finds Lovino after too much isolation. T for language and themes. Spamano. Review please :
1. Chapter 1

Sometimes, it's hard to be in love with someone who gets so lonely... Someone who's always constricting themselves and someone who's always denying themselves. When you caress their cheek with your thumb, while tears are dribbling down, when you look them in the eye and say, "My love, are you alright?"

It's difficult to just hear the words, "Yes. I'm fine!"

And no matter how hard you try to rip open the seams to expose the truth, the hems keep closing in shut, becoming tighter and tighter.

So, how does one deal with this? Let me tell you, it takes persistence, love, and just a dash of Lovi...

It wasn't alarming to not have seen Lovino Vargas after half of the day had krept by. In fact, it was pretty occasional. You know, every once or twice a month _mi tomate_ would practically baracade himself in his room, sulking, pouting, being cranky or just plain crying (which was often the case). I would just have to play along, be patient, and hope that Romano would feel confident enough with himself to peek out, and maybe say a few words to me. Lately, he had been caging himself up in his room more often, due to the fact his younger brother, Feliciano, was getting married. And of course Feli couldn't have fallen in love with just _anyone_, it had to have been Germany, also known as Ludwig. The fact that Italy was marrying Germany was enough to completely over-exasperate Lovino.  
>For some unknown reason, Lovino just had a black hatred for Germans in general. He always spat their names out out, calling Germany and Prussia, "Potato bastard one and two."<p>

And this planned wedding had set him so off, that I hadn't seen Lovino in two days straight! It absolutely broke my heart to see him so upset. I know he was just being protective like the stubborn _hermano mayor_ he was but still! I missed him horribly and it was quite upsetting to fall asleep without him in my arms...

But anyways, there's always exceptions to things in life. No matter what they are. This particular time in life was a major exception to the normal routines of Romano's solitude phases. As you guessed, he had once again locked himself in his room. I was being patient like normal, just trying to wait it out. It seemed pretty habitual, except for the fact I seemed emotionally and mentally off. Just the slightest.

...

Well actually, I was very off this specific day. I kept looking towards the stairs, which eventually when you turned a left, lead to Lovi's room. As I gazed at the staircase, I kept feeling like I was expecting something. Something...important? Like an answer to a riddle. But of course nothing was there.  
>And when I did my every-day chores, I kept finding myself looking over my shoulder. It wasn't a, "Is someone watching me?" kind of glance. It was more like a protective, motherly, "Is my child alright?" kind of glance. I hate to compare myself to a mother but that's the best way I could describe the feeling.<br>Also, I kept getting distracted! I was Antonio Fernando Carriedo! Sure I'm oblivious, but I'm pretty damned focused on my work! This particular 'off' symptom drove me _loco!_ My thoughts wandered everywhere. I mean _everywhere._ From red crayons, to paella, to my favorite soap opera. My mind was crazy and like a mental iPod, was stuck on 'shuffle' mode. Random things popping in and out of my head, completely shredding my concentration.

Well after a long while trying to focuss again, my mind wandered to Lovino. Oh dear, I forgot to check on him... Not that would answer the door, but at least he knew I was thinking of him. As I walked up the staircase, an atmosphere coiled around me, and I felt attracted to Lovino's room. Somewhat like a trance if you may. Kind of a taunting, "Do you dare?" kind of atmosphere. It was pretty strong since I usually do not pick up on these things.

My journey to his room was a silent one, no whistling, no humming, no cheery thoughts. Just me, the atmosphere, and the hallway.  
>I stared at the door with a little wooden tomato swinging on a nail.<p>

'Lovino Vargas' it read.

I stared for a moment, before hesitantly knocking. What the hell...? When was I ever hesitant about welcoming myself in? There was no answer. Hm. Nothing new. I tried again. Again nothing. Like always, I pushed on the door. I expected it to be locked, but to my surprise it swung open with ease. I stepped on the room, hearing a crackling sound as my foot set down on the floor. I looked down to see a shattered...lightbulb? My eyes looked up from the glass debris.

The room was terrifying. Things were tossed about carelessly. A once tidy dresser was beaten to death, splinters sticking out of the once perfectly carved wood. Objects of all sizes, shapes and forms were lying limp on the floor. The flag of Italy was shredded, and just ribbins dangled from the pole. The television was damaged beyond repair, the screen torn open and the back had sparks sparking every now and then. The furniture was doused with liquids like soda and tomato juice. The closet had things spewing out of it, like it couldn't hold anymore clutter, and it had to throw it all up. Chips and other junk food items were crumpled up and hidden in corners. Things stuck out of the wall, like Romano's old broom and his...shoe...?

Basically, it looked like a robber had come in and torn the place up. Huddled in a very clumpy bed of sheets and pillows and stuffed toys, was a shivering Italian... I could hear his whimpers. They were desperate and cold. I could almost...almost hear him screaming from the inside. Shrieking something that I myself couldn't understand. But I knew he was screaming inside, at the top of his worn out lungs. I didn't hesitate to dash over.

"R-Romano...!" I sputtered, instinctively wrapping my arms around the 'lump'. I expected some sort of raspy wail like, "_Get the fuck away from me!_" and some sort of physical abuse. But nothing of the sort happened. Instead, to my utter surprise, he pressed against my figure, needy and desperate. I tried to uncover the heavy comforter to reveal his probably tomato-like face, tears waterfalling down those cheeks of his... I tried to see the pain in his eyes that glimmered along with each tear. But he wouldn't let me. Instead, he just balled up tighter.

"Romano...! Please, talk to me!" I begged, still struggling with the blanket. No response.

"I don't know what's wrong...! What happened? _Por favor,_ why won't you speak or look at me?"

There was some gasps and wheezes, in attempt to talk.

"L-Let me uncover you and-"

"NO!"

"What do you mean, 'no'...? Lovino! What's the matter?"

Just that simple syllable, and I could hear his voice trembling. A disturbing moan was muffled by the covers. Okay, I had had enough of this. This bedsheet needed to come off!

"I'm making you come out of here, Lovino!" I said loudly, ripping off the covers with all my might. They slid off like silk on marble. Little restrain held them back. When the covers fluttered down to my feet, Lovino was huddled in the corner, a puddle of red splotching his head.

"O-ow..." he moaned. My limbs...they stopped working... My mind, it became numb... My eyes, observed the suffering pain of Lovino's eyes, as we stared at each other from across the bed.

"Lovi...what did you do...?" I managed a whisper.

He didn't move, he just continued to tremble in a ball. I carefully crawled over to him, my hands shaking as they carefully slid aside some of his sopping wet hair. He winced as I discovered a deep gash to his head. Blood continued to gurgle out of his skull as he tightened his grip on his fists. He reminded me of an abused child, scared and cold. Helpless and defenseless...

When he began to answer, my ears perked.

"...I-I...I became so, so lonely..." was all he let slide through his lips, before he shut his eyes.

* * *

><p><strong>Please help me find a better title. I think I should continue this with one more chapter to clarify what happened. So I will. I'll explain what inspired this next chapter. I'm sorry for writing depressing things lately. I can't help it... Please review. Next chapter will be up shortly.<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

The blood trickled down his face, and collected in the puddle underneath his head. His hair was stained red, and it was somewhat gruesome to see Lovi's tears mixing with the blood. The tears became milky and a rusty color, which struck me odd because throughout all the gore I had seen in my long lifetime, I had never seen such a concoction of substances blended so evenly… Romano still trembled in his huddled up form, and I was sure his muscles were cramping painfully in place. Like glue drying in a strange bent up way. Though his eyes had closed, I had managed to take a good look at what was deep within his glittery orbs. His eyes had looked at me with plea, and each shimmer that sparkled in his olive green eyes reflected his pain and suffering. The pain of the open wound in his head, and the suffering of being alone for so long… He choked down sobs and whimpers, trying to keep composure that was lost long ago. His lips quivered as he slurped up air, trying to feed his lungs and brain with the oxygen they lacked.

It took me many seconds to finally react to his wound. As I continued to sweep away the soaking blood-tainted hair, I winced. Flakes of Roma's skin peeled off as if it were sunburnt. It looked as if they had been torn off by hand, then they had withered up like dead rose petals, and simply fallen off like a scab. The blood flowed freely out of the open flesh wound like water, being released from a dam. I carefully peeked in, extremely cautious to make sure I didn't cause Romano further pain. Though the wound wasn't too deep, I was still able to observe the shredded tissue beneath the once flawless skin. It still twisted my stomach in evil ways to know this was _my Lovino's_ wound I was peering into. I made the decision that this wound could easily be healed at home. No need for hospitals. No need for stitches.

After all, _mi querido_ absolutely detested hospitals. He frowned upon them, and made up several excuses to why they were so horrible. But in simple terms of reality, he was just absolutely horrified of them. He hated all the doctors and nurses that invaded his personal space. It made him feel so vulnerable and exposed. He didn't need that… And anyways, I'm not totally useless when it comes to medical care.

"Lovi…I'm going to help you now," I said soothingly as I could, trying to hide the tremors in my voice, "We're going to fix you up!"

Lovino let out another cry and just barely nodded. I didn't want to move him, but I didn't want to leave his side for a second! It was one option or the other I suppose, and the best option was to get him somewhere cleaner than this disgusting room.

"Okay. I'm going to lift you up and move you into my room, _si?_ It might hurt…but I'll be right here," I promised. He nodded again.

Easing my arms underneath his stiff figure, wriggling my hands to get a better grip, I made sure my left arm would support Lovino's probably aching neck, and my right arm dipped in the arches of his bent knees.

"Ready? _Uno…dos…tres!_" I heaved him up. Now, I had picked up Lovino many times before (he struggling and squirming at these times), yet somehow this particular time he felt light as a feather. This concerned me quite a bit, because I remember that he hadn't eaten in a few days… He whimpered in what I suspected to be pain. Leaning his unwounded side of his head against my chest, I carried him across the hallway.

We came to my door, which I had happily painted a bright red…

I grumbled. Fuck. It was closed.

"Hold on one sec, okay?" I smiled gleefully.

I stood back just about a foot, and lifted my leg. With my actual foot, I rammed my heel into the doorknob, and a loud cracking sound echoed. The door swung open and the hinges screeched in protest. I heard the doorknob embed itself into the wall with a thud.

When inside, I propped Lovi against the headboard. He sighed in contentment, finally being able to sit up.

"It…hurts…" he told me.

"I know…I know…"

I hurriedly ran into the bathroom and swooped up an armful of medical supplies that were necessary to clean up Lovino's head. Peroxide…gauze…bandages…rag…water… I also grabbed some things that weren't exactly necessary to clean up such a wound. Like band-aids and a thermometer. When I went to the beside, I plopped everything down on the bed. I took the rag that I had dipped in water and put it on the wound.

Romano instinctively jerked away, "_Stop it hurts…!_"

"Lovi…I know it hurts. Please…you'll just have to deal with the pain," I murmured. I hated saying that. The words burned in my throat. I had told Lovi to _deal with pain._ I was suppose to be protecting him from that, not telling him to just deal with it.

Charily, he swallowed and nodded, tilting his head so I could get a better angle with the cut. As gently as my somewhat uncoordinated hands could manage, I dabbed the wound until the rag too was soaked in blood. I cringed and winced every time Romano cried in agony, due to the fact I had to peel off the flakes of skin still attached to his skull. He cried and squeezed my hand, cutting off any circulation. I was having a hard time from allowing tears to cascade down my face as well. He…he was in agony because of me… Even if it was for his benefit.

Soon, after cleaning up the gouge, I was able to place some gauze dampened with peroxide against it. Lovino winced, and I securely wrapped the long streamer of bandage around his head. It wound around a few times, about five, before I clipped it secure with a safety pin. I sighed in utter relief, my hands still shaky.

"D-Done…" I stuttered, in between deep breaths.

I looked at Romano, who's chin was buried deep within a pillow we had placed on his lap. His eyes were bright red and tired, puffy and fatigued. His cheeks were flushed and tears made his skin glow. His brows were furrowed in concentration it seemed, and his lips were swollen. I could still see dried up blood crested in his hair. He sniffled a few times, but didn't say anything. I wiped off oncoming tears (ah…! When was the last time I cried?) and wrapped my arms protectively around the ball of Italy.

For what seemed like hours, we sat in silence, a bitter-sweet silence, where Romano pressed against my figure once more, and I continued to hold him tight. I felt…guilty…almost. Like I had been a main cause of his outburst. I felt confused and angry with myself. Confused to what happened and how Romano split his head wide open. Angry and enraged by the cause… If it were me, I'm not sure if I could forgive myself. If it were someone, they'd surely get a chunk of my mind…

The warmth that Lovi produced kept me calm, and in perfect harmony and synchronization, our lungs worked the same. In…out…in…out… My mind swam in a deep trench of thoughts, and I struggled to keep afloat. Half of me was lost in that water, drowning painfully as all the memories flooded in on me. The other half of me was alert and completely focused on the little one beside me, making sure he was okay. Never once did his eyes close, unless he blinked. I would simply have to wait until he spoke to me… Time passed, slowly but surely, as we suffocated in that bitter-sweet silence. The silence still was somewhat like…rock candy. Hard to chew and hard for you to accept this texture was candy, yet you knew once you could chew it, it would be sugary and sweet just as candy was suppose to be.

Finally, after a long, tedious wait, Romano was surprisingly the first to speak. He shifted a little, before his voice squeaked out, "It's…mine…"

I looked at him. That made no sense at all.

"…What is yours…?" I decided to press out.

"…..The Burden."

He looked at me, tears all dried up, yet I could tell he was needing to cry again.

"The…the burden of me being so lonely…"

My eyes of surprise morphed into more of a sentimental, comforting look. Needles mercilessly plunged into my heart. I wanted to say something reassuring, but either the words did not form, or it wasn't my time to speak.

"He's always had friends…_friends_. Not just one, but many… He's gained friends, yet…he's never lost one. He's the one who found love first, who was able to experience it first… While I trailed behind…" he paused, and I felt as though he were processing what he had just explained to me, "Friends…I don't think I've ever said the word…"

If it weren't for the circumstances, my eyes would've widened and my jaw would've swung loose. But my jaw was clenched and my eyes didn't waver.

"I…I became lonely over the years, as Italy developed. And soon, I realized only you stood…by _my_ side…and I didn't want to loose that. I didn't want to share you, because…what if you left me too? So…I became angry that I'd be so selfish…and…that I'm so useless and I'm such the burden to people…that I threw things around in my room. I tore up my flag because I didn't want to be a country anymore.

I wanted to be a human…someone who could die and not have to deal with the burden of eternal life anymore. That way, if I died, maybe I wouldn't be so lonely. I lost my balance, and hit my head…"

He became silent after that, and the way he looked away from me, and concentrated on something else in the room, I could tell it still wasn't my turn to speak.

"I just wanted to feel something different then being cold, lonely and abandoned."

He turned his head and looked at me. His eyes were glossy and I was actually quite intimidated by how solid they seemed to stare. I had never seen such an expression painted on Roma's usually flustered face. He seemed so…stone-like, that it frightened me.

"…Is not wanting to feel abandoned and lonely such a bad thing to ask?"

I stared at him, trying to muster up any reply to lighten the mood. Why did the world abandon him? That's all that I could question. And my heart strings were tugged at again, only by myself. I had been part of 'the world'…I had wanted to abandon him… And as much as I wanted to protest and say, "You have friends!" and "The world doesn't want to abandon you, it just doesn't understand you." I couldn't. Because what he was speaking was true. Hardly anyone cared for him personally except for his brother and I. Many countries had just wanted him for the land, or in human terms, sexually. Other than that, he just…existed…as a burden as Romano had clarified. His stone expression seemed to leek into my soul, and I felt as though I should just crumble. But I didn't.

I squeezed tighter, that's all I could do.

"…Roma…right now…the world…it…" God, why must these words seep out of my mouth? "The world….as you put it, seems to not want you right now…and I know, as lonely and depressed as you feel, it's an earthly version of hell. But I vow to walk the streets of hell along side you, to protect you, and to make them understand… I will try to find you happiness…"

Romano stared at me, and for a millionth of a second, I swore he smiled. But it was probably tricks of the eyes… He looked back down at his feet, and slid off the bed.

I didn't see him the rest of the night.

I just prayed that he didn't find my words to be false…

2 months later

Romano's Pov:

Spain had confirmed my worst fear, and damn him he made me want to rot. I would've gladly sat in a med-evil dungeon cell, chained up if the opportunity would've arisen. But I didn't. I simply camped outside that night, not caring how cold it got.

I still loved him, very much so. But I couldn't understand why he had given me such words. I knew he knew I didn't want him to sugar coat anything, and I wanted him to be frank. It still hurt like a bitch to hear his voice say those words…

It was time for another World Conference. Fuck. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to be a country anymore. I didn't want to be ignored and overruled by more powerful, noticeable nations than I. I didn't want to be noticed just as a nation anymore… I wanted to be noticed as Lovino Vargas. The Italian boy who felt lost in a world of good things, but never being able to grasp one.

I decided I should be late for this Conference. And have the world spit in my face about why I was such a burden to be late, having fingers pointed at me while they snarled, "Romano! You caused the meeting to come to a complete halt! What do you have to say for yourself?"

I decided pain was the best option since I couldn't even come close to filling my frigid empty cup. The meeting was suppose to start an hour ago. It's time to go.

I looked up at the hotel doors, and went inside. I could hear murmurs and voices on the other side of the heavy corridor doors. I pressed them open.

"…I'm here," I said lamely. Instead of crude and angry and merciless faces welcoming me, I found myself surrounded by…what the fuck? Smiling idiots?

"Welcome, Lovino Vargas!" Spain smiled happily, "We've been waiting for you."

* * *

><p><strong>I'm sorry for the confusing chapter. And the awful ending. I was trying to make it happy ending just for you guys, but it failed. I wanted it to be a very depressing ending. But I didn't.<strong>

**Originally, Romano was suppose to just wither away in his own lonesomeness. but that's not how it turned out. Spain convinced everyone in the meeting to give Lovino a chance. It took one hell of a fight, but after dragging out many dark hidden away memories, everyone agreed. This is a reflection of my feelings. sometimes, my friends, happiness doesn't work. Even if it's given to you on a silver platter. now i must be one selfish person to want more in life than just happiness. Well i dont want to be. but if that's what i am then that's what i am. lately i've dedicated so much time into thinking about the idea of being adopted from China. do you know what that's like? being born in the biggest populated country in the world, and being left infront of a bike shop to be adopted a year later by an american family. it's amazing, yet for me personally, quite heart wrenching. now i'm not mad at anyone, my biological parents or my adoptive parents. i just feel misplaced i do believe. and maybe this happiness isn't my happiness. see? there i am being selfish again. I was extremely close to having my mother die this last month. yet i didn't feel anything, and all that time i was trying just trying to FEEL something about it...do you know how rotten that makes me feel? to know your mother is dying and you're working up an effort to feel worried? what the hell is wrong with me? well im very sorry for spamming your computer with worthless rants like that previous one. **

**please try to enjoy the story and not the ridiculous, selfish, pathetic story behind it. plz review! :)**


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